Absolutely the Last Time

This is really, really the last time I post anything on the movie Juno. I have been very complimentary of it in the past, but I've also confessed that it brings on a big case of Ugly Tears at the end, no matter how many times I've seen it. After a long bit of thinking, I believe I know the reason for the tears. It's not the beauty, it's not the redemptive nature of the movie: nope, not. at. all.

It's the 30 second cry scene. Followed by the "happy teenage couple with no worries" ending.

Why? Because if that was all I was to my birth mother, then I don't want to know about it. And I want to cry, a lot. Really, can anyone tell me what Juno feels throughout the entire movie? When she really gets down to expressing herself, what does she have to say? Well, she's annoyed - tired of being a whale, tired of being stared at, tired of her boyfriend taking someone else to the prom. Then, at the very end, she cries. Does she cry because she misses her child, because she's so relieved it's all over, or because the epidural has worn off and her stitches hurt? We're not told. Your guess is as good as mine.

And then it's over. At the end of the movie she's skinny (lots of profile shots), she's back to riding her bike, the light is yellow and tender, and her voiceover talks about how she and her boyfriend are like peanut butter and jelly. It's Deep, Man. Really, really deep.

If that's all that happened when I was born, it crushes me. If my birth mother walked away from my birth and delighted in her post-pregnant life from Day 1 without a backwards glance, I doubt the existence of her soul. It's not that I wish suffering on a single human being - especially not the one who gave me life - but I'd like to know I was more than that. Just like Juno wants - in the end - to have her "chair" with Paulie Bleeker mean something real happened, I want to know that what happened in the early morning hours of June 15, 1970 wasn't just a "get up and walk away" kind of thing. Juno tells everyone it was. I beg by God to differ.

Adoption Links

I've been trolling around the internet lately looking for different perspectives on adoption. Not surprisingly, there are a lot of different ones out there. Adoption is a complicated and emotion-filled issue, whether we want to admit it or not. Sometimes an act of mercy that allows a child to be given a second chance to have a family, and yet sometimes an act of coercion that causes untold grief. Not easy to pigeonhole, especially since you also have three often conflicting ways of looking at the issue: one from each side of the adoption "triad". What can seem like an unmitigated good to one member of that triangle can be perceived as horribly wrong to another, and vice versa all the way around and around.

What have I been reading on the subject lately? Some interesting stuff. Here are a few links:

The recently-reactivated Fleas Biting blog has an excellent post on the need for accountability in international adoptions, and why turning a blind eye to corruption only hurts everyone involved. Law professor and blogger David Smolin writes "Adoption systems in which large numbers of children moved became infected with large-scale and systematic abusive practices impacting substantial numbers of adoptions. Within those systems, even the children who were properly adopted are damaged, because they and their adoptive families must live with the uncertainty about whether or not they were stolen---an uncertainty that is very difficult to resolve. Thus, most adoptive parents and adoptees who were adopted from affected countries have no way of knowing whether their adoptions were tainted by child laundering or other abusive practices." Read it all, and the post prior on this blog, if the subject interests you. Very thought-provoking stuff.

Adoptive mom Tonggu Mommy writes a beautiful post on the chance she had recently to speak to a group of moms at her church about the realities of adoption. Again, read the whole thing - the part where she talks about her daughter loving her and her husband but hating having been adopted made me cry. And she reminds all of us who look to God for meaning in adoption that, "[a]s Christians, it's our job not only to speak about God's hand in adoption, it is also our job to encourage compassion in others, and to point out how God prefers family preservation over adoption, whenever possible." Amen.

I read a not-as-pretty but definitely compelling post at First Mother Forum, called "Why Was I Given Away?" More tears for me - definitely something I needed to read. In it, birth mom Jane Edwards writes about the compulsion many birth mothers feel to give their children up, and how many of them were convinced that "an irresponsible person like you doesn't deserve to raise this baby", and so chose adoption not for any positive, but instead all negative reasons. More importantly, she makes the point that birth mothers do not give up their children because they love them so much; they give them up because they have no way to do otherwise. After 41 years of listening to the former claptrap ... bing! epiphany time for me! Of course you don't give someone you love up because you love them - none of us who are currently parents would do so, so why in hell would anyone assume that a birth mother felt any differently?

And even uglier - did you know that you can find babies online, listed by race and due date? Well, you can get anything online, can't you - why not a newborn? Apparently Mormon sites like this one make a habit of it. I've even found one that lists prices. Please note that they aren't called "babies" - they're "situations". And you thought he lived in New Jersey!

Finally, after ugliness, we get to math (some of you think this post just got uglier, others, not so much). Abba Fund's blog has a post (a little dated, I know) about how many orphans there are in the world, and what the term "orphan" means in UNICEF and other circles. Complete news to me, I have to admit. As the post writer Jason points out, "Therefore, of the 132 million children they [UNICEF] classify as orphans, only 13 million have lost both parents. The majority of orphans are living with a surviving parent, grandparent, or other family member. 95% of all orphans are over the age of 5." Additionally, UNICEF has more recently identified that, out of that 132 million, 2 million are not in family care at all and are institutionalized (scroll down at the link to "Children without Parental Care" for the scoop). Having been convinced at one point that there were orphanages overflowing with parentless infants all over the developing world, these stats surprised me.

These posts are just a handful of the millions out there on adoption - so many of them are so good to read. Everyone has an opinion, don't they? And that's not a bad thing, especially if you have an open mind.

The Creepy Picture

Does this creep you out the way it creeps me out? First off, as an adoptee I have to say the words bother me quite a bit. For better or worse, my birth mother gave me a heck of a lot more than "a need for love". It's far, far more complicated than that. And my adoption is a simple one as these things go. When you're talking about adding the complexities that come with international adoption (which is what the picture illustrates, obviously), it doesn't even come close. And speaking of international adoption, is the picture itself racist, awful, something truly ... just blech?! I see the "inscrutable Asian" face on the birth mother, and the gloating smile on the white mother, and it makes me shudder. The wall on the left where the words are is otherwise blank, contrasted with the open window (opportunity! the world!) on the right. Oh how perfect it is to be adopted! Oh how completely lacking in emotional and ethical complexity! Yes, I know it's just a picture, but what a piece of propaganda.

How did I come across such tripe? Well, I was nosing around the internet down all kinds of rabbit trails and I found it on one of those over-the-top adoption blogs – y'all know the kind I mean, I think. One of those blogs where it can’t just be “God blessed us with the chance to step in where someone was needed and be an awesome Plan B for you, precious child”, but it has to be “God pre-destined you from before you were even conceived to be our child, so to hell with your birth mother – you’re much better off without her anyway.”

Ack. The world is broken by sin. Sometimes adoption can be a part of mending that brokenness. But whatever it is, whatever it can be, it isn't this picture.

Deleted Post: Updated

I blogged earlier about some adoption posts that really disturbed me, but on further reflection I've decided it was more condemnation than judgment that motivated me to write it, so I am taking it down. (thanks, Mis).

As much as those posts disturbed me, I think that if I'm that upset, I need to pray for those people and their adoptive children much more than I need to needle them. I am truly sorry for the needling and ask for y'all's forgiveness. No agression or passive-aggression here; I simply spoke (or wrote, rather) without thinking and am in hindsight repenting.

Subject (and comments) closed.

He is Coming Home

For the two of you who aren't following the story of Ernest and Debra Parker and their son Ronel even more closely than I, let me be the one to tell you:

Ernest and Ronel are coming home to Houston. Tonight.

Praise God!

In case you don't know what's happened, here is Debra's blog. And a quick summary:

The Parkers were working their way through the paperwork to adopt Ronel from Haiti when the earthquake struck. Unable to get Ronel out with other orphans who had been cleared to leave, Ernest flew to Haiti and camped in the US Embassy. Literally. On the floor of the lobby for over a week. Through the intercessory prayer of hundreds (if not thousands) of people, and the selfless work of Congressman Ted Poe and Senator John Cornyn, Ernest and Ronel flew to Miami on a military transport plane last night. Now they are through immigration, through the children's home that needed to check Ronel out, and the word is they will touch the blessed ground of Texas sometime tonight.

Miracles are beautiful things, aren't they?

"We, thy thankful and unworthy servants, praise and glorify thee, O Lord, for thy great benefits which we have received; we bless thee, we thank thee, we sing to thee and we magnify thy great goodness, and in lowliness and love we hymn thee: O Benefactor and Savior, glory to thee."

UPDATE, 10PM: Ernest and Ronel had a race for their flight, but they made it and flew to Houston tonight in first class. Welcome home to Texas, wonderful Parkers. Thank you for letting us participate in your adventure ... and your miracle. God bless you and keep you well, now and evermore.

Grace

If this doesn't hit you in the ole solar plexus, I'm very sorry to say that you have no soul.

"As I carried my new little girl into the bedroom and put her in a new dress, fear overwhelmed me. What was I going to do? What does one do with a child that may never walk? How would I keep a semblance of normal life for my other girls? Would I have time to continue loving them enough while caring for a special needs little girl? Oh, what were people going to say? God just whispered that His grace would be enough, that His grace was sufficient, that His grace was going to allow me to raise this little girl, even after I had turned her away from my gate five times. Grace."

Quote of the Day

Today comes from my friend Missy:

"No one prays and asks God for a sign to tell them if they should get pregnant, but people tend to think they need a burning bush to tell them to adopt."

Don't think it should be that way, myself ...

Adoption Works

A beautiful story to read here.

And if you haven't read the background story to the new movie The Blind Side, just do it. I promise you won't be disappointed.