Thoughts on a Blustery Night

What makes you think people are smart? Adults, I mean – not kids, who are still in process, as it were. I’ve been trying to work this out, and I think the most important characteristic you can have that shouts out “smart” far and wide is intellectual curiosity. It’s not if you were a National Merit Finalist back in high school, it’s not that you went to Harvard for undergrad, or that you had a 4.0 coming out of law school. All in all, “smart” means that you are terminally curious about how things work and how to make things happen. Mind you, the 4.0 GPA, etc, can indicate that you were and are intellectually interested in life, or it can indicate that you were capable of absorbing exactly as much knowledge as was needed and then regurgitating it on test day for an A. We all know people who had great grades and were brilliant, and we all know the other kind of character as well. But that tells the whole story: credentials can’t tell you if someone if truly smart or not.

What does all of this say about our goals as parents? How do we educate our children to keep them as curious as they are at six, while also helping them gain the ability to check the boxes the world will want them to check to get ahead? How can we impress on them that the former and not the latter is what makes them who they truly are and what will always define true intelligence?

A few nights ago Husband showed the boys a fantastic video on the educational system. One and Husband watched it through several times and then began to discuss what was right and what was wrong in its assumptions. Two? There were no discussions for Two. He’d watched the real time, super-fast animation in the video and was captivated. Without saying a word he ran for the playroom, where I found him 45 minutes later, writing out his own real-time cartoon scripts and telling a story as he went along. The point? Each of them has a unique way of seeing the world and a unique way of engaging with it. As parents we need to strive above all else to keep that intact: upon being presented with an interesting hypothesis at forty years old, One needs to still want to engage in debate and discussion, and at the sight of an interesting and new style of art, forty year old Two needs to want to run off and try it out for himself. At the same time the two of them need to – sooner rather than later, I hope – master test-taking, following directions, collaborating with classmates (and later colleagues), working long after they’d like to be in bed, and all the other skills it takes to be successful in life. But we can’t let the creativity, curiosity and individuality be snuffed out in the rush to gain those skills. Because in the end, wanting to know how things work and how to make things happen – the critical skills for solving problems – are what will matter most of all.

Two’s Little Problem

Two has always had a problem with truth. While I can count on one hand the times One has lied to me, that is not the case with Two. He was that five year old, smeared with chocolate from his eyebrows to his chin, who insisted that he did not take the cookies – it must have been his brother. Even when confronted with his chocolate-covered face in the mirror, he would persist in his declarations of false innocence.

Now he lies, not that frequently, but just enough for it to bother me horribly. I’ve tried straight-out punishment, I’ve tried “if you tell mommy the truth, sweetheart, she will not punish you for breaking your brother’s toy.” Nothing works. Finally, I think I know why. At least, I know enough to try something else, and see if that is the solution.

I need to stop yelling at my kids. Period. Never, ever again. Why? Because Two’s lies are his attempt to make me think he’s perfect, and to avoid the punishment he knows that comes with missing the mark. And what part of the punishment does he hate the most? You guessed it: when I raise my voice. Even when I’m not saying anything exceptionally cruel (I’m usually shouting: “what on earth made you do this?” or “do you know how long this will take to clean?”) he will do anything to avoid what he calls “that mean voice”.

Oy.

So Two’s sin of lying has helped me see my sin of yelling more clearly. And yes, it is a sin. If you have a hard time thinking of it in that way, let me tell you: I would never, ever raise my voice to my husband about the trivial things that cause me to do so with the boys. That, friends, is shameful.

Tony Woodlief writes in his book, Somewhere More Holy, about the two buckets we carry around with us as parents. One contains all the good things we want to pass along to our children, and one contains all our sins – everything that we don’t want them to catch from us. I think in this instance, my yelling – obviously in the latter bucket – has been passed onto Two in a way that is causing him to do anything, even sin himself, to get away from it. This grieves me. No matter how much I like a little hollering to get my point across, I can’t in good conscience continue. If I do, not only does Two suffer “that mean voice” he also gets more and more practice lying to avoid it. That is the very last place I want to take this child.

If you happen to think of it, say a small prayer for me once in a while, as I try to (ahem) moderate my voice. And I’ll let you know if any more fish stories land at my feet, or if this is, after all, the key to keeping Two honest.

Lord have mercy.

First Day

Back to school is here already! It's easy to get ready, having boys and living in a swamp; I mean, it's not like anyone has been begging me for new school clothes. They went off today in their favorite shorts and tees, eager to get on with 2nd and 5th grade. We've heard nothing but good things about their teachers this year, and they were really ready to go.

I've also resolved to go back to packing their lunch every day, even if it means sacrificing a little sleep each morning. They ate school lunch from January to May last year, but I really want to get them back on the brought-lunch wagon. Why? Well, One lost 6 lbs this summer: was it because he was so active, or did he just gain too much last Spring with all those tacos and burgers? I'm guessing half and half, but we're still not going back to school-bought food. Here's what they brought today; every day will look pretty much like this.

And if you're interested in what to feed your kiddos and all other things lunch, Bettina Siegel's blog The Lunch Tray is a great site to check out.

Two on Dessert

Two decided he was actually on Food Network today: he disappeared into the kitchen and made mini desserts for One and me, narrating to the invisible camera as he went along.

Here is mine - sweetened sour cream, slivered strawberries and bread & honey. It was amazing:

One received a tiny dish of vanilla ice cream topped with slivered strawberries, blackberries, and a drizzle of chocolate syrup. One and I returned the favor, and made Two a mini, whole-grain waffle with vanilla ice cream, mini chocolate chips, and topped with a dusting of cinnamon.

It's 1:00pm and I'm stuffed. I don't think I can live in a TV kitchen much longer. Someone turn on a Star Wars movie, quick!

Saturday Breakfast

The boys usually make their own breakfast, which is quite a blessing for Husband and me. Since today is Saturday, they wanted a little more than a bowl of Cheerios. Here's what each of them came up with:

One went for the French breakfast - cafe au lait (3/4 milk, 1/4 coffee) and toasted sourdough with strawberry preserves:


All that's missing is the newspaper and Gauloises:

Two was all traditional - scrambled eggs and cheese - but he had fun garnishing his plate with some fresh basil be found in the 'fridge. Husband is the omelette master in this house, and as Two walked out of the kitchen with his creation he whispered "take that, Dad!" I think someone may have watched a little too much Food Network Challenge, no?

Anyone care to come over for brunch tomorrow?

Star Wars

Two is utterly and completely obsessed with Star Wars. He talks about it every minute he can, he begs to watch one of the movies every day, and he plays only Star Wars games on the playground at school. And so Husband sings, quite frequently, a la Bill Murray:

"Staaaaaar Wars! Those crazy creatures from Star Waaaaaars!"

And Two crossly sings back "those crazy creatures in Daaaaaaad's head."

Meet Hiccup

Two's class had a book character day on Friday, and he decided to be Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, from Clarissa Cowell's fantastic book (and series) How to Train Your Dragon. Here is the little Viking in his mommy-made costume:

Grace

If this doesn't hit you in the ole solar plexus, I'm very sorry to say that you have no soul.

"As I carried my new little girl into the bedroom and put her in a new dress, fear overwhelmed me. What was I going to do? What does one do with a child that may never walk? How would I keep a semblance of normal life for my other girls? Would I have time to continue loving them enough while caring for a special needs little girl? Oh, what were people going to say? God just whispered that His grace would be enough, that His grace was sufficient, that His grace was going to allow me to raise this little girl, even after I had turned her away from my gate five times. Grace."

Such Cuteness!

Have you seen this commercial? These firecrackers remind me of my older niece, who is usually seen dressed in something precious, just like these girls are:



Oh how I love my boys, but watching something like this I want to jump up and down and yell "I want a daughter, dang it! Gimme one NOW!"

Some people have commented elsewhere* that this is inappropriate - disrespectful, s*xy and materialistic. As to the last point, well, it's a commercial - of course it's materialistic! And on the first two points - I'm usually hyper-sensitive to kids acting older than they should, but I really don't see that here. Maybe it's too many years in Texas talking, but they're just cheerleaders, for Heaven's sake! And could they have more clothes on? I just don't see anything here but extreme cuteness.

There's my two cents. As always.

*Actually in the comments - I don't think Barbara is being overly judgmental - she just raised the question and some Scroogish moms ran with it.

We're Done!

Well, it's done. We've made our decision, and the boys are off to public school in three weeks. I'm making my registration appointment in the morning and dropping off the withdrawal letter at our private school on my way to work. We've even told the boys and taken them for a walk around the campus. Two took it completely in stride; he is pretty much the same everywhere he goes. He'll do well academically while driving his teachers crazy with his stubborness, and have ten new best friends by the end of September. One cried for the loss of his best friend, but otherwise didn't have anything to say to argue against the change. He will pout more as the days pass, and there will be more tears, but I'm pretty sure once he adjusts that the school will be a good fit.

I am so relieved to have the decision over and done with! Thanks to all of you for your comments, emails and encouragement!

Making Allowances

Lately we've been experimenting with an allowance for One, and I'm surprised to say it is working remarkably well. I've written before on how Two is generous with any money he has; One is less so, but the allowance is less to teach generosity and more to teach responsibility.

The rules (I designed this - of course there are rules) are as follows: $12 a week, divided up into three envelopes: one for charity, one for spend, and one for save. Of the charity money, I've asked him (but not demanded) that half go in the offering plate each Sunday; the rest he can save for any project he decides is important to him. Spending money is just that - spending money. He can't get far on $4 a week, and right now he is concentrating on saving each week until he has enough for a favorite book. Every two or three weeks he hands over his cash and I order his heart's desire on Amazon; he has me checking the UPS tracker online, and on delivery day he compulsively opens the front door to see if anything has arrived. No matter how many times I tell him the UPS man knocks, he can't help peeking. Finally, he has his "save" pile. The rules for that are - save for something big, not just books, and if you mess up and break something, your share of the damage comes out of your savings.

So far we've had a lot of success. He successfully saved for a old-fashioned Walkman, so he could listen to all his books on tape. He frequently puts all of his weekly charity money in the offering plate, and he's acquired four Redwall books "all on his own" with his spending money. I think (well, I hope) that he's learning how to use money constructively, set goals, and be patient. If he gets that, I couldn't possibly hope for more.

Jenny in China

Check out my (I'm proud to say) friend Jenny's new blog Axis of Beebles; right now she and her family are in China, meeting their 6 year old daughter Rosemary for the first time. She's also blogging periodically at Motherlode at the NYT while in China, so don't forget to read that too. Prayers for safe travel, easy paperwork, good family/Rosemary bonding, and that she somehow won't be able to see the hateful and selfish comments the NYT readers are leaving her would also be appreciated, I'm sure.

What a wonderful adventure she and her family are starting out on!

Children Flying Alone

Maybe should give Continental a pass?

Scary!

On Self Confidence

I was reading this post by JMom and it got me thinking about a lot of things with the boys – about how they view themselves and how they react to how the world views them. It’s so shocking when your child comes home for the first time and tearfully reports that a classmate or friend was cruel to them – said something or did something that cut into their heart and made them feel small (not small in the way JMom was talking about, but small in an evil, painful way). I have a million thoughts about this and I’m trying to put them together in some semblance of order. Here we go.

One has never been overly talented at getting along with others – he takes after me in this respect. He is a great friend and very devoted, but often frustrated and easily hurt. He also has trouble knowing what to say (or when to stop talking). Like I said: just like his mom. He has spent a lot of time working through tough times because of this. His low level of frustration not only puts off some friends but has also made him the target of a bully or two; this year a particularly nasty and manipulative child has zeroed in on him from time to time and wreaked havoc (one of those “nice one minute and horrible the next” kids – you remember them, don’t you?). It is so hard as a parent to watch this! But while it is hard, it provides so many opportunities to teach important lessons. Every time D, the bully, comes up with something new, One has the chance to work on how he’s going to react. He has learned this year to take his time responding and to keep his temper as cool as he can. I couldn’t have manufactured these very necessary lessons in self-control myself, and while I am miserable at the thought he has to face this potentially nasty child every day, I am so glad God has used these episodes to mature One in a much-needed way.

The second thought I had when I worked through JMom’s post is how, on a number of occasions, each boy has come to me with frustrations and disappointments on how they “aren’t very good at” some particular thing. Seeing that self-doubt, accompanied by the downcast face and wet eyes, is again very hurtful for a parent. But, again, those moments have provided many important discussions. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t want my boys to think they are good at everything. I want them to acknowledge their weaknesses and learn to decide (with God’s help) if the skill in question is one worth working on or one better left alone. And that is the lesson we’ve been able to teach at those moments. When One tearfully announced that he was “no good at all” at baseball, we had several conversations about whether baseball was important enough to him to be really good at, or whether he could choose to enjoy it while not being the best on the team. His father is especially helpful in these conversations; he has more than once reminded One that he worked incredibly hard to swim well as a young man. It wasn’t a natural talent; it was only through constant practice that he saw himself improve and win races. When the boys have these discouraging moments, we’ve found that it helps to talk about this kind of perspective, and to remind them that the most important things to us are the ones we’ll work hardest at – not necessarily the ones we’ll be best at naturally.

Finally, in both situations, it is so important to remember that home base is just that – home base. It’s where your failures aren’t pointed out with pinpoint accuracy, but rather where you can feel safe to reveal what hurts you, receive comfort, and work out a solution. It’s where your parents remind you that whatever the world thinks of you, whatever you succeed or fail at in life, the most important scale you’re judged on is God’s. If your ultimate goal is to love Him with all your heart, mind, and soul – and to serve him with all the gifts you’ve been given – then the opinions of your baseball team and the petty torments of a classroom bully take on a much different perspective. We can build our children up with assurances of our own love, but it is when we speak to them of Christ’s love that we give the most comfort and build the strongest hearts.

Some More of Two's Inventions

Here are some examples of Two's latest fad. They're boats built with his favorite materials: paper and tape. He also made one from a kit he received as a party favor; he pretty much put it together without reference to the directions. He has some new ones I haven't photographed yet; he calls them triremes, as they have banks of oars.

I need to get this kid into a woodworking or woodcarving class, soon. I'm just worried about how much it will cost to build the eventual "shop" in the backyard when he's 11.

Two on Itching

"It feels like I swallowed mosquitoes."

Two on Sunday Brunch

I. LOVE. BACON.

Autism and Antibodies

A summary of an interesting study done that indicates that a mother's antibodies developed during pregnancy may contribute to the development of autism in her child.

Putting One to Bed

One doesn't like to fall asleep, in part because his overactive imagination makes him prone to nightmares, and also because he knows if he fails to drop off, I will make him a large mug of this:

12 oz lowfat milk
1 scoop unflavored whey powder
generous squeeze honey
1 Yogi Tea - Bedtime flavored - tea bag

Combine the first 3 ingredients in a saucepan with a whisk, then add the teabag. Stir gently over very low heat until warm. Let rest for 5 minutes or so to allow the tea to steep a little more, pull out the tea bag (squeeze all the yumminess out before you pitch it), whisk one more time, and serve.

You will have one very sleepy youngster on your hands in a matter of minutes, I promise.

Mommy's Little Food Connoisseur

Two: "Raise your hand if you love pork rinds!"