Astronaut

This is my favorite song by The Lads:

When I grow up
When at last I find I'm a grown up
When I cannot climb any higher
What will I be

When I grow up
When I've finished school and I have to go
When I've learnt the things that I've got to know
What will I be
4,3,2,1, blast off!

Astronaut
Wouldn't it be fun
Flying in the sun
And on to Jupiter and Mars
Heading out to Pluto
Flying in my spaceship
Going anywhere I want to go

When I grow up
Will I want the things that I want today
Will they be the things I'll need on my way
What will I need

When I grow up
When I've done the things that I tried to do
Will I be someone to look up to
What will I be
4,3,2,1, blast off!

When I grow up, will my dreams belong to me
When I grow up, what will I be
Will there be hope for me
Does anybody know, which way to go
Cos I want to know

Every time I hear this song I get goose-bumpy. The thoughts of my boys growing up, as well as thoughts about what have I done since I was in the place where I dreamed of my future, always makes me wonder. Where will they go? What goes God have for them? Will they listen, and follow, or will they run away, as I did for so long? I want to teach them to ask God to give them the plan for their lives, and to not rely on their own wisdom. But yet I send them to the best school (in my mind) to receive the best education, so, presumably, they can “make it on their own” and “do what they want with their lives”. There are so many contradictions in my actions as a parent I’m surprised the boys don’t complain of dizziness.

And in my own life, where am I? Am I someone I would want them to look up to, to follow? When Paul says “look to me and you will see me imitating Christ” – isn’t that what we’re supposed to tell our children? And do they see it? Most of the time I don’t think they do. They can see me love them, see me put my needs before theirs, but what else? Not much, I’m afraid.

There’s so much I want them to learn, and so much of it involves altering my own behavior to teach them how to live. It’s hard, this parenting thing.