Fasting

Another Advent Fast began yesterday, and as with the Lenten Fast last spring, I am less than excited. You see, I absolutely suck at fasting. I almost never fast the two days a week (Wednesday and Friday) that I should during the regular times of the year, and these long, six to eight week fasts? I’m horrible.

I know: one of the points of fasting is that you work at it, and you fail, and then you go back and try again, and through all that you learn self-discipline and humility. I get it: it makes sense to me. I just hate the idea that I have to participate in yet another activity that involves me falling flat on my face, getting up, trying again, falling down, getting up, and so on and so forth. That’s what my entire life is about. I’m a good mom, then I suck as a mom, I ask forgiveness and try again, and then some time later I fall back into “bad mom” world, and … well, you get the point. It’s the same with being a wife: snippy and critical, apologetic, sweet and supportive, SNAP, apologetic, patient and normal, mental breakdown, apologies, and back and forth all over again. Work? Lazy, guilty, burst of work, loss of temper, apology, sweet and patient – are you getting the point here, people!?! I don’t just suck at fasting, I suck at most of what I do, and I’m forever trying again, resolving to do better, falling down and crawling back up. I just really can’t take another category of my life in which this pattern repeats itself. I. Just. Can’t.

And so, the next six weeks to Christmas sprawls before me. No meals as a family, because Husband excels at fasting*, as he does at being a litigator and, well, just being Husband. No meals. This kills me. Not only do I have the guilt that comes from being the lazy, loser member of the family, I also go without the only time when we connect together, just the four of us. Not that we sit down together as a family and eat every day – hell no, not with our schedules! But the best thing about weekends is that they bring meals together (especially meals out) – chances for us to sit down and be four again, instead of Tari and the kids and Husband much later on, or the kids together and Tari and Husband some other time. So no four: not until Christmas Day, baby.

Added to all of this is the guilt I feel because I haven’t been to confession in a year, and therefore haven’t been taking communion since August. I’ve been trying to fit it in, but it never happens. Now that it’s the Fast, why bother? I will confess that I haven’t been fasting, and then I will go forth and not fast, and once I do that, how can I take communion with a clean heart knowing I’m not even trying to obey? So no communion, and that’s depressing beyond all other things.

Allow me to be the first to point out (if I don’t Husband will point it out to me as soon as he reads this): I got myself into this. I wanted to convert from Protestantism to Orthodoxy. I did so a year ago with a completely open heart and mind. This was all my idea. So I have no one to blame but myself. But again, I blame myself for so many things, I’m really not up to welcoming yet another to my list. I still believe with all my heart that Orthodoxy is right for me; maybe I’m okay with accepting that I’m just not very good at it**. It’s not like I haven’t done that before – it doesn’t stop me from being a lawyer, a mother or a wife, so why should it stop me from being a Christian?

::cricketschirping:: I don’t know, either.

*I have to say that I am incredibly impressed and proud of Husband's ability to fast and pray regularly. It amazes me. He so much stronger than I am! And he doesn't cycle through life like I do - he's the steady, sane member of the pack.

**That comment will send Husband’s head rolling around the room! How can you accept not being good at something!?! What planet were you raised on? How does this happen??? This is a not-so-infrequent topic of conversation in our house, as you might imagine.

How I'm Known at Work

I don't blog a lot about work, with good reason. If you don't know what that good reason is, you live under a rock. But I thought I would share with you how I am known by my work-mates.


I am the lawyer who brushes her teeth after lunch.

I know this because, well, I used to make quite a habit of brushing my teeth after lunch and apparently, the identification of toothbrush to Tari just became so inseparable that, even though I rarely brush my teeth after lunch anymore, it's what people think of when they think of me.

When they're not thinking other, meaner things, I guess.

Today this was all confirmed to me when I did actually brush my teeth after lunch (which was a very nutty salad, by the way, with very small greens in it - it was the nuts-and-greens-sticking-in-my-teeth sensation that drove me to it). I left my toothbrush and cute little tube of toothpaste in the ladies' room, and when I went back a few hours later for another purpose, one of my co-workers pointed to them and said "That's yours, isn't it? I was just going to pick it up and bring it back to you, but here you are." Uh, thanks.

So don't forget: when you think of me at work, all professional and whatnot at my desk, remember that I am really just a lawyer who brushes her teeth after lunch. That is all.

All About Me

Elizabeth has a "Three Things About Me" post up, and since I love to talk about ME, I tagged myself. Here we go:

Three Names I Have Been Called:
1. Tare Bear (most recently by a Sales Manager at work. He almost died of embarrasment.)
2. Killer
3. Mom

Three Jobs I Have Had In My Life:
1. Prep cook at a deli
2. Assistant buyer at a large department store
3. Attorney

Three Places I Have Lived:
1. Lake Placid, NY
2. Austin, TX
3. Houston, TX

Three Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Sleeping
3. Talking incessantly

Three things most people do not know about me:
1. I was adopted (Do most people know this? I don't know) and my birth mother named me Nancy.
2. My feet grew a 1/2 size with each pregnancy and never shrunk back. Do you know how many shoes I have taken to Goodwill?
3. I am addicted to my NeilMed sinus thingy. I tried to make the boys use one but they ran away. I will catch them someday.

Three TV Shows That I Watch:
1. No Reservations
2. Dirty Jobs (like I have a choice?)
3. Doctor Who

Three places I Have Been (that I like, alot):
1. Guatemala (the whole thing - it's small)
2. San Miguel de Allende, Mexico
3. Sooke Harbor, BC

Three places I want to go:
1. New Zealand
2. Chile
3. Ireland

Any threes about you, too?

Meme About Me

JMom at Lots of Scotts posted one of these, so I decided, hey, it's easy to write about ME!

Missy, you're it.

What were you doing 10 years ago?: Taking THE TEXAS BAR EXAM. Right about this time, I think. Husband and I moved back here from Austin that summer and I studied for the Bar while he job-hunted. Right after I finished we packed up and drove to St. Louis to spend a few days with my (then recently-divorced) brother-in-law. We met his future wife (and mother of his 3 awesome children) on that trip but I'm not so sure if they were dating then or not at that point. We liked her anyway. :)

Favorite Snacks: Chocolate cake with a large glass of milk, Smart Food cheese popcorn and a Diet Coke, cheese and good bread.

To Do List: Lately since I'm not working much I don't have one. I'm trying to do what I want to do while I can! When I first had One I would write things down on my list like "shower", "eat", "feed baby". Lists can make me really anxious, so unless I have something that, if I don't do it I'll be in tons of trouble, I don't write it down.

Jobs I Have Had: Lifeguard, waitress, store management trainee at Foley's, assistant buyer, attorney (current one).

Places I Have Lived: New York and Texas.

Bad Habits: Talking too much, not paying attention to the reaction people have to me (especially when I'm busy talking), spending too much money.

5 Random Things People May Not Know (1) I, too, had a belly ring - had to take it out when I was 5 months pregnant with One (ouch!). (2) My dad was a prison guard my entire childhood - he used to tell me I could have any job in the world but his (I love you, Dad). (3) I named my first dog Shag because he reminded me of our new shag carpeting. (4) My husband was really rude to me when we first met and, since I was 19 at the time, I thought that was just so cute. He stopped that really quickly - it was all an act. :) (5) I really wanted to be an archaeologist for a long time - through college, even.

CDs I would want if stranded on an island: Exodus by Bob Marley, RSB's Give Yourself Away (just so I could play New Day over and over), a large collection of Jimmy Buffett (for 12-Volt Man, of course), and U2 The Joshua Tree.

What I'd Do if I Were a Billionaire: Start a charity to give the money away, re-model this house, add a new master bedroom, and put in a pool, and take a very, very long vacation to lots and lots of places.

Wow, that was lots of fun!

Teacher Appreciation Week

Apparently this is Teacher Appreciation Week - far be it from me to question what I hear on the radio, so we'll go with it. The station imparting this knowledge had listeners calling in to talk about their favorite teacher - I'll skip the phone call and just write it down here.

My best-teacher-of-all-time-award goes to Don Mellor: 10th grade English and 12th grade Political Geography. 10th grade was my first year at private school; bored out of my wits in public school, I begged and wheedled until my mother gave in and enrolled me in Northwood. The first day in English, we were given a stack of paperbacks - our reading for the year. That night at home I cried, going over those books one by one - handling them, reading a page or two of each. I couldn't believe someone wanted me to read all of these. We were going to discuss them in class, give our opinions, write about them, be tested on them. I know this sounds silly, but no one had ever asked this of me before. I'd been reading voraciously since I was 5, but no one ever intimated that this was anything other than an admirable hobby. Now it was going to be so much more than that: I was floored. Through that year, Mr. Mellor taught us how to talk about books, how to write about them, and how to love them - not just as intelligent diversions but as works of art, as beauty. I've never read a book the same way again.

The following year I didn't have Mr. Mellor for class, but instead got myself into trouble and encountered him as Dean of Students (or as we called him, Dean of Discipline). He was, as always, fair and honest, and expected the same from all of us sinners. I (for once) was honest, and I've never felt so forgiven by another human being as I did when I left that classroom after "my turn to go talk to Mr. Mellor." I did my time on probation, raking leaves and washing dishes, and never got in trouble again at school.

My last year at school I took Political Geography (which, along with French 4, helped me to escape both Physics and Calculus - whee!). Again, Mr. Mellor was wonderful teacher. He taught less and guided more; he helped us bring out our own opinions, question them, and then write and speak about them intelligently. As a 17 year old, it is so important when an adult takes you and your opinions about the grown up world you are about to enter seriously. Mr. Mellor treated all of us with respect; he never allowed grown up cynicism to sneak in and ruin our idealism. He didn't leave us all believing in pie in the sky, either, but he never once made me feel that I had no idea what I was talking about, or that I didn't have a right to be passionate about an issue that moved me.

Thank you, Mr. Mellor. You were to me what a teacher should be. You demanded intergrity and good scholarship, you taught and you guided and you cared. Thank you.

I'm Old

I know this is obvious, but ...

On the way to school this morning One and I were talking about old friends and what some of us did right after college. I said "... and John worked at a record store ..." One immediately interrupted with "What's a record store?" Sigh.

Plans for the Future

Ideas - they're showing up at stoplights, in the shower - I know I'm in surfer-mode tonight, but dude, I feel like a real writer or something, you know? Okay, enough of that; I sound like an idiot. But here's what should be coming soon:

A "review" of A Peaceable Kingdom by Jan de Hartog - once I've finished processing it - it was phenomenal and it's still sinking in. I keep having thoughts about it and going back to re-read one passage or another.

A series of posts on Once Upon A Time, a Long, Long Time Ago - stories about my very favorite subject (hint: you're reading her now ...). I was listening to an old Bonnie Raitt CD in the car the other day and started thinking about how long I'd owned it, and all sorts of memories starting popping up. So I'm writing one out now and I'm sure there will be more to follow. They don't all relate to the CD; that was just the jumping off point. Some of them may be, as Mrs. Pollifax once said, like a boil being lanced, but others will be less important and therefore infinitely more cheerful.

There now, aren't you excited?

College Question

If you could make your college choice over again, where would you go?

A co-worker of mine has a 17 year old daughter who is deciding where to go, so this question has been in my mind a lot lately.

Both Husband and I would not repeat Colgate, even though we met each other there, which is proof that God guides us even when we're ignoring Him.

If I could be 17 again, I would go to Columbia. The only way I'd live in NYC is either as a student or as a very wealthy person; I'll never be the latter, so why not hop in a time machine and go back and be an undergrad there?

Top Ten Things About This Old House

Meg has a great idea: http://asbyfamily.blogspot.com/2008/04/top-ten-things-to-remember-about-apt.html. I don't mean to imply that this is her only great idea - she has many, especially when it comes to what dessert to make for Wednesday night Bible study. :) Anyway. here are the Top Ten Things You Should Know About This Old House:

1. If there was a special PBS This Old House just for Houston, we could be on it. This place was built in 1940, which makes it absolutely ancient by Houston standards.

2. We are the third owners of this house - the first stayed only 3 years and the second stayed 61.

3. There is a 3" differential between the front door and the left far corner of the living room, and the walls still haven't cracked.

4. Our dining room table has no chairs. We borrow from all over the house if we have lots of people to feed.

5. We eat so much we have to have 2 refrigerators.

6. The boys call the dining room "mommy's office."

7. We have a secret stairway

8. We have 9 bookshelves and they're all full (6 of them are 7' tall).

9. The house smells like dog, and slightly like smelly drains (yuck!).

10. The man we bought the house from carved his initials in the garage wall as a teenager; they're still there, and he's in his late 60's now.

Tell me your top ten!

My Street

This is who my street was named after:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glenn_McCarthy

"Glenn Herbert McCarthy (December 25, 1907 - December 26, 1988) was a wildcatter and a flamboyant oil tycoon. Within the oil industry and the media he was sometimes referred to as "Diamond Glenn" and "The King of the Wildcatters".[1] McCarthy was noted as an oil prospector and entrepreneur who owned many businesses in diverse fields. McCarthy founded the Shamrock Hotel in Houston, which gained him brief national fame and inspired the fictional character Jett Rink in Edna Ferber's 1952 novel Giant along with its 1956 film adaptation which starred James Dean in the role."

On the oldest blocks, there are old tile street curbs that spell the street name "Glenn", even though we've now reverted to "Glen".

As the World Turns

I have a confession to make: I rotate things. Unloading the dishwasher and putting away clean clothes takes a long time for me, because I can't do it without this strange quirk taking over the process. Out come the shirts (or shorts, underwear, you name it) from the drawer, in go the clean ones on the bottom, and then back go the others on top. Plates, glasses, even silverware suffers. I take the silverware out of the drawer and stack it on the counter - rows of stacked forks, knives and spoons lined up on a cutting board (not the counter itself - it might be dirty). Then I put the clean pieces away, and pile the others neatly back where they belong.

I'm sick. I know this. But honestly, does anyone else have this strange compulsion?

More B+-edness

I wrote earlier about being a B+ person and how happy I am in my B+ state. B+-edness saved my from the Lawfirm, it allows me to end work in time to pick One and Two up from school every day, it makes life a lot easier, in other words.

B+-edness means, in short, that I lack ambition. My MIL once told me she never took a job at which she wasn't always looking to be promoted. I, on the other hand, have done this quite a lot. In fact, I went to the Lawfirm knowing full well I would never be partner. I was proven right beyond all hope when, a year after graduation, One was conceived. No, we didn't mean for that to happen, but it did, and it certainly made my decision to leave a lot easier. Then a lovely in-house position: work was blissful, Two came along, Husband created the grasswidow, and I was laid off. Once again, B+-edness to the rescue. This new turn of events didn't bother me; indeed, it saved me.

Life without too much ambition is good.

Being Happy being a B+ Person

My last year at Colgate, my most favorite professor, in a frustrated moment, told me I was "a B+ student." He went on to explain that he thought I was perfectly capable of better grades and deeper scholarship, but at the last minute something would distract me and - uck: the dreaded B+ would result. Personally, I was pretty pleased with the B+'s in my Colgate career, but he was right, and he unearthed a fundamental truth about me that I've seen many times since then.

Life distracts me. I enjoy distractions. I hate single-minded devotion that cuts out everything, stagnates relationships, drains people of the joy of life.

As I said, this has happened to me more than once. First year law school, I worked and worked and did pretty well. Until write-on for law journals came up. End of exams, Austin hot and sunny, and a reading packet 6" thick. Husband left for home and summer clerkships, with stern instructions that I was to get to work and write a stellar essay, one that would insure me a place on TROL, TILG or even, Heaven help me, The Law Review. I cracked open the packet, tried a page or two, and took a nap. I took the packet to the pool and tried to read while floating - nope, that didn't work either. Finally, 3 or 4 days into it, I gave up on the packet all together and sunbathed and slept my way through my last few days alone, before packing up and heading home for my (unpaid) internship at the Bankruptcy Court. I'd worked hard on exams, really hard. I'd outlined and studied and studied and outlined; eaten frozen pizza and gone back for more. But once it was over, it was over. I couldn't summon the desire to be on law review - if that's what it took the get "the" job then I didn't want or need "the" job. I'd figure something else out if it came to that, but I couldn't go beyond the B+.

I was glad then, and I'm glad now. I like B+. B+ to me means time for family, friends, church: life. I'm proud of my B+, and if someone insisted I'd wear it on my chest like Hester's "A".

Back to beginning of the story: Dear Dr. Aveni: thank you for telling me this about myself. The distraction in my life you suffered from was Husband, then just Boyfriend but still very important. If life had been different I'd have loved to have you write me a recommendation to get into Chicago, do post-graduate work, devote my life to Meso-American everything. But it wasn't different, and I didn't, and I thank God for my B+.

Note: I did love this professor, and still do. Please don't get the idea that he was mean about this. Just disappointed, which in its own way also made me feel very good.

Introduction

Okay, I've tried this before, and failed to keep it up. I've been motivated lately by friends who have started blogging (hi Meg!) and thought I'd try again. Here goes:

My favorite subject: me. I'm 37, going to be 38 soon. Attorney, mom and wife - 30 hours or so a week of each of them, give or take. Two boys, 8 and 5 - let's call them One and Two, to keep it simple (and to keep my husband from losing his mind). Lots more about them to come. Husband. Hmm, what to say? The inspiration for the title of this blog, he's gone at least once a week, traveling to the garden spots of Texas as a trial lawyer. It used to completely freak me out; now I miss him but enjoy the peace at the same time.

I love: my God, my boys (all 3), my church, this city, good food, good books, and my dogs. More on all of them later.

I hate: fear, cold weather, grey skies, reality TV, and Daylight Savings Time. Maybe more on fear, but I don't think we need to discuss any of the others.

I have a bunch of posts half-written in my head, so I'll keep this short and try to hash out one or two of them tonight. I also need to work on the layout - I worked for a software company for 5 years but it will still take me all night to do that! My mom's an accountant and I can't balance my checkbook - some things just happen that way.

Back soon.