Singularity

I read the Atlantic's cover piece, All the Single Ladies, a few weeks ago, and I've been chewing on whether to write something on it or not. I think it's pretty obvious that author Kate Bolick and I couldn't lead more different lives. It's probably only slightly less obvious that I find hers to be almost completely shallow and lacking in meaning, mainly because she has deliberately separated herself from belonging to the most quintessential "community" mankind has ever created: a family.

I find her decision shallow because she seems to have made it in order to search further in life for self-satisfaction and happiness: some kind of "meaning" that apparently continues to elude her. She fails to realize that most of us find exactly these things by taking the path that she dismisses. In fact, the very reason that marriage and families endure as bulwarks of society despite the many attacks on them is because so many people have realized that focusing solely on their own happiness and fulfillment just doesn't get them there. When they take the lens off themselves, and turn towards helping others - that is when not just happiness but true joy descend. Does that mean that married life and family life is a peach? Of course not. But anything we do that has a higher purpose - even if that purpose is not a religous or metaphysical one, but simply the desire to consistently put another's needs before our own - will bring back gifts we can never hope to measure.

Ms. Bolick has lived her life lacking practically any kind of moral compass and now it is beginning to show. She has put herself first and all others who could have made her life richer second, and now writes with some bewilderment how this order of things could have failed her. It fails everyone, Ms. Bolick; even without a mother interested in teaching you this lesson (and yours clearly was not), you could have looked about you and discovered that quite quickly. But the mirror must have been much more fascinating, and so you missed it. Instead of grasping why people get married and have families - not for sociological or economic reasons, but for real, human reasons such as love and companionship - All the Single Ladies looks at marriage as a curiosity that can't quite be understood and can be easily dismissed as "just another odd way some people order their lives." In this conclusion, Bolick misses the raison d'etre of the vast majority of her fellow human beings; not just her long, meandering article but her life itself is the poorer for it.

Equal Opportunity Abusers

Simcha Fisher linked to this pathetic, sad post by an abused man named Doug who thinks he’s getting what he wants for Valentine’s Day. What happens? Well, for Valentine’s Day he goes to the grocery store with his wife – they even take some friends along to celebrate with them and – wait, wait for it – he gets to buy whatever he wants to eat:

“I picked up some really expensive jam. Rachel said, “Yum, that will be really great, Doug!”

In fact everything I picked up got the same response from her (or very close to it), and that was my present: I could choose anything I wanted, and she could only say how great everything was. What an awesome gift that was, a trip to the grocery store.

I have no idea what it cost Rachel to make that trip to the grocery store with me. It was simply one of my best gifts. Find a way to make your man feel accepted, now that’s a Valentine’s Day present.” [my emphasis]

Dr. Helen Smith writes a lot about how men in our society have become more marginalized, and how women can make comments about how ignorant, insensitive, violent, worthless and unnecessary men are and no one bats an eye, while if those same comments were made by men about women, an uproar would ensue. Think about it: how are men portrayed in places like commercials and network TV? They’re stupid, clueless, and a burden to bear (oh how dirty he gets things! I need this new washer from Sears to clean up after him!) And women? They’re nothing less than heroic, multi-tasking saviors who have all the answers and do all the work.

And so many men buy into it and let women treat them worse than the family dog. Just like Doug.

Hey Doug, if Rachel lets you read this, let me tell you something: she’s emotionally abusing you. Really, she is. You need to get some therapy, talk to some real men (email me and I'll give you my husband's number) – something, and fast. Better yet, take all of y’all’s savings you can get your hands on in the next 24 hours and Run. The. Hell. Away. When your life has gotten to the point that you’re grateful she lets you buy your own food one day a year, it’s probably too late for therapy anyway. You are better off living alone with a nice dog as a pet than with this controlling, evil narcissist.

Oh, and girls? If you think even one small part of Doug’s post was cute: go look in the mirror and think long and hard about who you think you are. Because if you’re treating your boyfriend or husband like a cute but messy Chihuahua that you constantly have to take care of – you need to cut that crap out as soon as possible, or you’ll turn into Rachel the Wicked Witch’s twin sister faster than you can say “and your little dog, too.”

This public service announcement is over. Have a nice day.

Anniversary Present

Husband and my 15th wedding anniversary is coming up in 12 days, and last weekend we found the perfect present to give ourselves - a beautiful table for the back patio. We have this big yard, which the dogs love but we don't get to enjoy half as much as they do. Needless to say, we need a table which will, if nothing else, pull our lazy selves outdoors on nice days.

The table was delivered today, and even though it's greyer than Cleveland outside, I took pictures. Here it is:




Coincidentially, the store owners are neighbors of ours - something we didn't know until we bought the table and arranged for delivery. Somehow that makes it even more special.

Dear Bob

This is an open letter to Bob Sirott, a Chicago-area radio broadcaster, who is unfortunate enough to be married to perhaps the most abusive wife in all of IL. She writes an "advice" blog called How to Train Your Man, and her entries are full of "cute" anecdotes on how she has verbally abused Bob into doing all kinds of things her way.

Dear Bob:

I know it may not have dawned on you yet, but when your wife graduated high school her classmates voted her "Most Likely to End up in a Psych Ward". She's insane, and she's abusing you - in public, nonetheless. Print off every, single, solitary page of her hideous website, and FILE. Come on - you know you can do it. Even though the majority of divorces in the US are filed by women and not men, buck the tide - be a trendsetter. But one way or the other get a lawyer and maybe a restraining order, pronto. After you've taken her to the cleaners for emotional abuse, get some therapy. And then: never. get. married. again.

Your friend,

The Grass Widow

HT: Dr. Helen

Love In Pictures

If you've never checked out this site, please take some time to do so. The photographer, Karl Josker, has been photographing his wife Jennifer for 38 years of marriage. His site, an ongoing tribute to his love for her, is truly amazing.

Make sure you click on the individual pictures because many have stories behind them.

Beautiful.

He's Cute, But Oh, He Tries My Patience

Husband: "So, are you going to be buying yourself some Sarah Palin garb?"

Me: "Of course. I'll get a tee shirt."

Husband: "I was thinking more along the lines of a thong, but okay."

Antidote

To counter-act the poison Ellen Tien injected into the blogosphere yesterday, read this.

A little better picture of a marriage, yes?

HT Tony Woodlief

How I Met my Husband

Let's make this a meme - JMom, will you be it?

Husband and I met on January 26, 1990 at Colgate University in Hamilton, NY. I lived with 3 girlfriends in a campus-owned apartment - in a little village of 1970's 4-plexes. One of the 2 upstairs units in our building "belonged" to a fraternity, and 4 new guys from that frat were moving in for 2nd semester. We knew 3 of them, like 2 of the 3, and the 4th was Mystery Man. We scoped out his picture on the wall at the Beta house and all decided we had never seen him before in our entire lives. Hrumph. Who did he think he was?

So, on January 26th - a Friday - I was reading in my room and I heard socializing going on in the living room. The 2 nice neighbors had come to call and they'd brought Mystery Man with them. I came out to visit, hampered by the fact that I had a whacking great case of trench foot from spending 3 weeks of Christmas break in the Guatemalan jungle. Mystery Man was very cute in person: a little pouty with big green eyes. He asked me what was wrong with my foot and I refused to tell him (how do you tell a cute boy you have trench foot? Well, you just don't. It isn't possible). He kept asking and I kept telling him to mind his own business, hinting that it was too disgusting for words. All of a sudden he leaped off the couch, grabbed my foot and dragged it up behind me for a good look. Saying "you're right, that's absolutely disgusting" he dropped my foot and sat back down. I glared at him and hissed that he must be the new roommate. He said "yes, and you must be Tari" in an equally nasty voice.

Thus love was born! We went out to dinner together a week or so later, and always considered January 26th as our dating "anniversary". So much so that, when we decided to elope, Husband deliberately picked Friday January 26, 1996 as our wedding day. See, I told you it was all an act - he's a romantic sweetie after all!

Braggin' About my Man

As I've mentioned over and over, Husband is now at his new job (and having a wonderful time). But he is missed at the old home place; one "tribute" I'd like to share with you is what his secretary wrote to me about him. I wrote her, thanking her for helping him keep his sanity the past few years and for taking such good care of him. She wrote back with this:

"And, yes, I will miss him greatly too! Coming to the office will never be the same again. I have so enjoyed working for and with him. [He] is one of a kind - his intellect and humor is without parallel - not to mention his integrity - which can be in short supply in law firms I have found out over the years. Best to you all - and start enjoying some vacation time! It was in short supply I know. Love, G"

He read this over my shoulder the other day and turned 4 shades of red. Blushing, oh Lord!

Which reminds me: both G and I are fond of saying "oh Lord" to which Husband has always replied "won't you buy meeeeeeee, a Mercedes Benz." Can you believe the 2 of us put up with him all this time?

In all seriousness: what a wonderful man I married!